Parenting & Learning Gently

Gentle parenting is one of the many words for the attachment style of parenting, also called natural parenting, helping mode parenting, instinctive parenting, parenting by heart, and I like to call it parenting with empathy. The more we practice elimination communication, the more I come to realise how gentle the practice is, particularly when you compare it with some methods of toilet training.

In my own family toilet training was an experience riddled with manipulation, shame, fear and physical discomfort. The physical discomfort was the result of being ordered to "hold it in" as my parents rushed me to my potty or a toilet. Extremely stressful for a little person and I've no doubt bad for our health! The fear came from understanding that using the toilet is a big person activity and I was a little person. The toilet was something outside of my realm and I had to grow-up and face it.

I was terrified of falling into the big toilet, and I was afraid because I knew that at some stage I was going to have to do it all by myself, and I didn't like the idea of being on the toilet without a big person there with me. That fear stemmed from being pushed into toilet training. Rather than gradually learning to use the toilet in my own time I felt pressured into learning fast for my parents convenience, which only made it scary and stressful. As I write this I realise that today I get in and out of the toilet as quick as possible, and sometimes I will feel that there is still more to come but I finish up and hold on for a while because I don't want to spend anymore time in there!

The shame came about when I didn't make it to the potty or toilet in time and I wet myself. It made me feel like a failure. When that happened I knew I had disappointed my parents, which really upset me, but it also made me feel bad because I was still a little person who wasn't ready for the big person thing of being toilet trained, and that made me feel inferior to adults and other children.

Finally, the manipulation happened when my parents praised me for making it to the toilet in time, clapping when I used the potty or toileting and rewarding me in other ways (positive attention, edible treats, cuddles etc.). I was manipulated into believing that nappies were for stupid babies undeserving of parental respect, and that I had to win my parents attention and love by training myself to use the potty and toilet. And obviously that made me rush and stress out because I desperately wanted them to make me feel loved rather than shamed. In addition to those "positive" forms of manipulation was my grandmother's negative tactic. She invented an imaginary granddaughter who was the same age as me, but told me that she was the good one and I was the bad one. She referred to this imaginary person as "Nanny's other little girl". Nanny's other little girl was with my grandmother whenever I wasn't, and she never missed the potty. My mother often told me she wished that the other little girl was her daughter! These are obvious examples of harsh and cruel parenting, very far from gentle.

With elimination communication our child gets to gradually learn to use the potty and toilet, and she is supported by us throughout the entire journey. When it comes time to use the big person's toilet she will already have used it, because we make catches in toilets. Her first experiences with the big persons toilet have already begun, safely in the arms of her parents.

The shame of not making it to the potty or toilet is not a cause for shame in an ECing family, because misses are just a part of the journey. And the manipulative praise and rewards systems used in toilet training are not part of the practice of elimination communication because catching poo and wee is just an ordinary part of the day. Toileting is just an everyday activity for the little person, just as toilet independence is a part of everyday life for the big person, nothing to get excited about.

And of course as a mother who is committed to gentle parenting, my daughter will never be placed in competition with any other children, real or imaginary! Her toileting journey is her own.

EC Article on Essence Of Life Website

Today I discovered another article about elimination communication. Most of the article explains what EC is and takes you through the the author's journey to beginning it with her daughter, but there are the following great insights:

In older books, I discovered that before the advent of disposable diapers, average toilet training ages were equivalent to that in the third world; around twelve to eighteen months, while in the West, where the vast majority of mothers put disposables on their babies from birth onwards, and never let them go bare-bottomed, the average age had crept up to almost three years old!...

EC is about communicating with the child, and helping the child to become aware of her body, rather than letting her ignore her bodily functions and then need to clean up after the fact, and finally, having to "train" her to control herself, often using shame and guilt, later in childhood.

I believe this is the gentlest way of raising a child, with love, respect and dignity, and it works to form a stronger bond between parent and child.

The site has this to say about the author:

Ela Forest is a natural parenting consultant, a rebirthing practitioner and does intuitive healing and massage using reiki, aura balancing, meditation, cleansing and Gestalt. She gives workshops on women's health and fertility and practices as a lay doula and breastfeeding consultant. She is also the mother of Sequoia.

But I know her better as the awesome Majikfarie of http://majikfaerie.blogspot.com/

15 Months & Already Toilet "Trained"

We were visited today by two mummy friends and their baby girls. One baby girl was born just two weeks before ours, with the same doula as our baby and in the same birth pool as our baby! The other bub is quite older: 15 months.

Our 15 month old friend and her Mummy have been ECing since birth. She spends her days nappy free, and lets her Mum know when she needs to use the toilet. She is pretty much toilet trained already!

She got very excited whenever I caught one of our baby's wees. She would smile and talk in her toddler language about what we were doing, clearly identifying it as something that she has in common with our little baby. It was very cute.

She was also fascinated by our baby's ECing bowl. She'd wander over to us when we assumed the EC position and she'd bend over to take a closer look at the catch LOL And then she'd excitedly chat again in her toddler language.

We missed a couple of wees and a poo in the morning, but once we got up and started the day we were on the one nappy until after 11pm!

Another happy ECin' day for all involved.

Another Dad Moment ECing

Today Dad made his first catch outside the home! We were shopping with bub sleeping in her wrap. When she woke up we took her out of the wrap and headed for the toilets. I handed bub to her Dad so that I could go do my own business, and Dad made caught a wee in the little child's toilet in the parents room :)

What did Dad have to say about it?:

It was very exciting. And kind of cool that she is comfortable enough with us that she can relax in a public place with fluorescent lights.

Congratulations team EC!

All Ploping Into Place

Since the weekend (which were days 15 and 16 on our EC journey) we have been feeling like an ECing family, rather than a family who is trying to EC. Since my detailed note taking we are confident in recognising her elimination cues; tensing muscles, stretching and kicking legs, and general restlessness, which could be misconstrued as "grumpiness".

We don't feel the need to keep note of every little elimination detail now, we're able to go with the flow these days. We don't have many misses, and the misses that we do have are quickly forgotten. The misses that we do have usually happen during the "ungodly hours" of the day, when we are so deeply asleep we either don't wake to her squirms, or we wake too slowly. The other misses can be attributed to misunderstanding her (thinking she is tired or needs to vomit instead of eliminate), or being distracted and therefore not recognising her cues in time (that's why I find we have more misses on the days when we go out or have visitors).

I am confident enough with the process now that I am happy to make catches in public and at other people's houses. At first we only tried to catch at home and would let our bub soil herself while we were out and change her nappy after the fact. But since then I have taken her into the toilet at my Aunt's house, and made a couple of outdoors catches.

Our bub seems to be enjoying the process. Sometimes it seems as if she holds on until we have her over her bowl and then she relaxes and does her business. Before we started to practice EC she would scream her little face red while we changed her nappy, so she much prefers the catching system. She also seems less upset by the sensations of needing to wee or poo than she used to be, and we think this is because she realises that we are listening to her now, so she doesn't need to cry and thrash herself about to get our attention. Instead, she stiffens and stretches her legs and has a quiet winge, and when we hold her over her bowl she quietly eliminates, whereas she used to cry throughout. She also takes less time to relax and let herself go once we are holding her over her bowl than she used to.

We are still using cloth nappies like underwear. She wears them under her clothes and we take them off when she needs to go to the toilet. And, obviously, if we miss a catch the cloth nappies make it less of a big deal because wee or poo doesn't go everywhere, and sometimes won't soak through her clothes (and her carriers when we're wearing her). I have noticed that we are using far less nappies these days than when we started ECing. Sunday we only went through two nappies, and may I remind readers that our daughter is nine weeks old!

So, in looking back on day 19 of our EC journey I realise that it only took two weeks to find our feet with learning our baby's cues and catching her wees and poos.

From One End Of The Spectrum To The Other

Yesterday on my way to my Aunt's house I stopped by the side of the road to hold my daughter over the nature-strip and let her wee, and we had a breastfeed while we were there. Then when I got to my Aunt's house I told her that I felt I had truly earned the title "hippy" after that. We had a laugh, and my Aunt said she thought the image of me ECing and feeding by the side of the road was very "gypsy-mama". What was really interesting was that when I explained EC to my Aunt it struck a positive cord.

My Aunt felt that EC made a lot of sense because it kept the baby aware of her body in a way that she would need to be aware (or re-learn how to be aware) of it later in life. This was the major reason my partner and I decided to take up the challenge of poo and wee catching.

I suppose I'm always a little surprised when one of our "alternative" lifestyle choices (interesting how often the word "alternative" is used in lieu of the word "natural" in mainstream society, methinks) is well-received by someone who didn't make the same choice for themselves. Pleasently surprised, of course. In any case, my Aunt's interest and enthusiasm for EC lulled me into a false sense of security...

Today, after another public catch over a small garden out the front of a supermarket, I went to a maternal and child health clinic to find out about connecting with other women and babies on a regular basis. While we were in the waiting room my baby had to go, so I held her over a sink and caught a wee and a poo and gave the sink a clean when we were done. When we went in to speak to the nurse my bub sat in my lap happy as my baby and nappy free, and the nurse said to my baby "Wow, your Mum's brave!" I explained EC to her and she replied "Oh yes, I know all about Chinese parenting" (funny, coz I don't!). According to this nurse all the women in China practice EC wherever they are, though what degree of research she based that assertion on is unclear to me.

Anyway, she went on to make certain comments to me in such a way that suggested she really wanted to discourage me from continuing to EC. For example she said "learning their signals is really very hard. But I think once you learn them it goes alright". It was strange to hear because she obviously didn't realise that I am an ECer who already knows her baby's cues. But what really made me laugh on the inside was her comment about "cultural differences". She said "the only real issue with doing it here" (by which she meant "not China") "is that it is likely to offend people. I mean, you could NEVER do it by the side of the road in this country!"

:D

Natural Parenting By The Side Of The Road

The bub and I went on a big adventure today. I was starting to get new-mamma cabin fever at home with our baby all day by myself, so we went for a massive walk and a couple of train rides to get out and about. She slept most of the day in her hug-a-bub, but at one point she woke up hungry and needing to pee while we were walking to a train station. So I took her out of the wrap, sat myself down on the side of the road and breastfed and EC'd her right there in suburbia! I have never felt as hippy as I did holding my half naked baby over a strip of grass letting her wee, while one of my bare breasts hung out.