Gentle parenting is one of the many words for the attachment style of parenting, also called natural parenting, helping mode parenting, instinctive parenting, parenting by heart, and I like to call it parenting with empathy. The more we practice elimination communication, the more I come to realise how gentle the practice is, particularly when you compare it with some methods of toilet training.
In my own family toilet training was an experience riddled with manipulation, shame, fear and physical discomfort. The physical discomfort was the result of being ordered to "hold it in" as my parents rushed me to my potty or a toilet. Extremely stressful for a little person and I've no doubt bad for our health! The fear came from understanding that using the toilet is a big person activity and I was a little person. The toilet was something outside of my realm and I had to grow-up and face it.
I was terrified of falling into the big toilet, and I was afraid because I knew that at some stage I was going to have to do it all by myself, and I didn't like the idea of being on the toilet without a big person there with me. That fear stemmed from being pushed into toilet training. Rather than gradually learning to use the toilet in my own time I felt pressured into learning fast for my parents convenience, which only made it scary and stressful. As I write this I realise that today I get in and out of the toilet as quick as possible, and sometimes I will feel that there is still more to come but I finish up and hold on for a while because I don't want to spend anymore time in there!
I was terrified of falling into the big toilet, and I was afraid because I knew that at some stage I was going to have to do it all by myself, and I didn't like the idea of being on the toilet without a big person there with me. That fear stemmed from being pushed into toilet training. Rather than gradually learning to use the toilet in my own time I felt pressured into learning fast for my parents convenience, which only made it scary and stressful. As I write this I realise that today I get in and out of the toilet as quick as possible, and sometimes I will feel that there is still more to come but I finish up and hold on for a while because I don't want to spend anymore time in there!
The shame came about when I didn't make it to the potty or toilet in time and I wet myself. It made me feel like a failure. When that happened I knew I had disappointed my parents, which really upset me, but it also made me feel bad because I was still a little person who wasn't ready for the big person thing of being toilet trained, and that made me feel inferior to adults and other children.
Finally, the manipulation happened when my parents praised me for making it to the toilet in time, clapping when I used the potty or toileting and rewarding me in other ways (positive attention, edible treats, cuddles etc.). I was manipulated into believing that nappies were for stupid babies undeserving of parental respect, and that I had to win my parents attention and love by training myself to use the potty and toilet. And obviously that made me rush and stress out because I desperately wanted them to make me feel loved rather than shamed. In addition to those "positive" forms of manipulation was my grandmother's negative tactic. She invented an imaginary granddaughter who was the same age as me, but told me that she was the good one and I was the bad one. She referred to this imaginary person as "Nanny's other little girl". Nanny's other little girl was with my grandmother whenever I wasn't, and she never missed the potty. My mother often told me she wished that the other little girl was her daughter! These are obvious examples of harsh and cruel parenting, very far from gentle.
Finally, the manipulation happened when my parents praised me for making it to the toilet in time, clapping when I used the potty or toileting and rewarding me in other ways (positive attention, edible treats, cuddles etc.). I was manipulated into believing that nappies were for stupid babies undeserving of parental respect, and that I had to win my parents attention and love by training myself to use the potty and toilet. And obviously that made me rush and stress out because I desperately wanted them to make me feel loved rather than shamed. In addition to those "positive" forms of manipulation was my grandmother's negative tactic. She invented an imaginary granddaughter who was the same age as me, but told me that she was the good one and I was the bad one. She referred to this imaginary person as "Nanny's other little girl". Nanny's other little girl was with my grandmother whenever I wasn't, and she never missed the potty. My mother often told me she wished that the other little girl was her daughter! These are obvious examples of harsh and cruel parenting, very far from gentle.
With elimination communication our child gets to gradually learn to use the potty and toilet, and she is supported by us throughout the entire journey. When it comes time to use the big person's toilet she will already have used it, because we make catches in toilets. Her first experiences with the big persons toilet have already begun, safely in the arms of her parents.
The shame of not making it to the potty or toilet is not a cause for shame in an ECing family, because misses are just a part of the journey. And the manipulative praise and rewards systems used in toilet training are not part of the practice of elimination communication because catching poo and wee is just an ordinary part of the day. Toileting is just an everyday activity for the little person, just as toilet independence is a part of everyday life for the big person, nothing to get excited about.
And of course as a mother who is committed to gentle parenting, my daughter will never be placed in competition with any other children, real or imaginary! Her toileting journey is her own.
And of course as a mother who is committed to gentle parenting, my daughter will never be placed in competition with any other children, real or imaginary! Her toileting journey is her own.
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