Parenting & Learning Gently

Gentle parenting is one of the many words for the attachment style of parenting, also called natural parenting, helping mode parenting, instinctive parenting, parenting by heart, and I like to call it parenting with empathy. The more we practice elimination communication, the more I come to realise how gentle the practice is, particularly when you compare it with some methods of toilet training.

In my own family toilet training was an experience riddled with manipulation, shame, fear and physical discomfort. The physical discomfort was the result of being ordered to "hold it in" as my parents rushed me to my potty or a toilet. Extremely stressful for a little person and I've no doubt bad for our health! The fear came from understanding that using the toilet is a big person activity and I was a little person. The toilet was something outside of my realm and I had to grow-up and face it.

I was terrified of falling into the big toilet, and I was afraid because I knew that at some stage I was going to have to do it all by myself, and I didn't like the idea of being on the toilet without a big person there with me. That fear stemmed from being pushed into toilet training. Rather than gradually learning to use the toilet in my own time I felt pressured into learning fast for my parents convenience, which only made it scary and stressful. As I write this I realise that today I get in and out of the toilet as quick as possible, and sometimes I will feel that there is still more to come but I finish up and hold on for a while because I don't want to spend anymore time in there!

The shame came about when I didn't make it to the potty or toilet in time and I wet myself. It made me feel like a failure. When that happened I knew I had disappointed my parents, which really upset me, but it also made me feel bad because I was still a little person who wasn't ready for the big person thing of being toilet trained, and that made me feel inferior to adults and other children.

Finally, the manipulation happened when my parents praised me for making it to the toilet in time, clapping when I used the potty or toileting and rewarding me in other ways (positive attention, edible treats, cuddles etc.). I was manipulated into believing that nappies were for stupid babies undeserving of parental respect, and that I had to win my parents attention and love by training myself to use the potty and toilet. And obviously that made me rush and stress out because I desperately wanted them to make me feel loved rather than shamed. In addition to those "positive" forms of manipulation was my grandmother's negative tactic. She invented an imaginary granddaughter who was the same age as me, but told me that she was the good one and I was the bad one. She referred to this imaginary person as "Nanny's other little girl". Nanny's other little girl was with my grandmother whenever I wasn't, and she never missed the potty. My mother often told me she wished that the other little girl was her daughter! These are obvious examples of harsh and cruel parenting, very far from gentle.

With elimination communication our child gets to gradually learn to use the potty and toilet, and she is supported by us throughout the entire journey. When it comes time to use the big person's toilet she will already have used it, because we make catches in toilets. Her first experiences with the big persons toilet have already begun, safely in the arms of her parents.

The shame of not making it to the potty or toilet is not a cause for shame in an ECing family, because misses are just a part of the journey. And the manipulative praise and rewards systems used in toilet training are not part of the practice of elimination communication because catching poo and wee is just an ordinary part of the day. Toileting is just an everyday activity for the little person, just as toilet independence is a part of everyday life for the big person, nothing to get excited about.

And of course as a mother who is committed to gentle parenting, my daughter will never be placed in competition with any other children, real or imaginary! Her toileting journey is her own.

EC Article on Essence Of Life Website

Today I discovered another article about elimination communication. Most of the article explains what EC is and takes you through the the author's journey to beginning it with her daughter, but there are the following great insights:

In older books, I discovered that before the advent of disposable diapers, average toilet training ages were equivalent to that in the third world; around twelve to eighteen months, while in the West, where the vast majority of mothers put disposables on their babies from birth onwards, and never let them go bare-bottomed, the average age had crept up to almost three years old!...

EC is about communicating with the child, and helping the child to become aware of her body, rather than letting her ignore her bodily functions and then need to clean up after the fact, and finally, having to "train" her to control herself, often using shame and guilt, later in childhood.

I believe this is the gentlest way of raising a child, with love, respect and dignity, and it works to form a stronger bond between parent and child.

The site has this to say about the author:

Ela Forest is a natural parenting consultant, a rebirthing practitioner and does intuitive healing and massage using reiki, aura balancing, meditation, cleansing and Gestalt. She gives workshops on women's health and fertility and practices as a lay doula and breastfeeding consultant. She is also the mother of Sequoia.

But I know her better as the awesome Majikfarie of http://majikfaerie.blogspot.com/

15 Months & Already Toilet "Trained"

We were visited today by two mummy friends and their baby girls. One baby girl was born just two weeks before ours, with the same doula as our baby and in the same birth pool as our baby! The other bub is quite older: 15 months.

Our 15 month old friend and her Mummy have been ECing since birth. She spends her days nappy free, and lets her Mum know when she needs to use the toilet. She is pretty much toilet trained already!

She got very excited whenever I caught one of our baby's wees. She would smile and talk in her toddler language about what we were doing, clearly identifying it as something that she has in common with our little baby. It was very cute.

She was also fascinated by our baby's ECing bowl. She'd wander over to us when we assumed the EC position and she'd bend over to take a closer look at the catch LOL And then she'd excitedly chat again in her toddler language.

We missed a couple of wees and a poo in the morning, but once we got up and started the day we were on the one nappy until after 11pm!

Another happy ECin' day for all involved.

Another Dad Moment ECing

Today Dad made his first catch outside the home! We were shopping with bub sleeping in her wrap. When she woke up we took her out of the wrap and headed for the toilets. I handed bub to her Dad so that I could go do my own business, and Dad made caught a wee in the little child's toilet in the parents room :)

What did Dad have to say about it?:

It was very exciting. And kind of cool that she is comfortable enough with us that she can relax in a public place with fluorescent lights.

Congratulations team EC!

All Ploping Into Place

Since the weekend (which were days 15 and 16 on our EC journey) we have been feeling like an ECing family, rather than a family who is trying to EC. Since my detailed note taking we are confident in recognising her elimination cues; tensing muscles, stretching and kicking legs, and general restlessness, which could be misconstrued as "grumpiness".

We don't feel the need to keep note of every little elimination detail now, we're able to go with the flow these days. We don't have many misses, and the misses that we do have are quickly forgotten. The misses that we do have usually happen during the "ungodly hours" of the day, when we are so deeply asleep we either don't wake to her squirms, or we wake too slowly. The other misses can be attributed to misunderstanding her (thinking she is tired or needs to vomit instead of eliminate), or being distracted and therefore not recognising her cues in time (that's why I find we have more misses on the days when we go out or have visitors).

I am confident enough with the process now that I am happy to make catches in public and at other people's houses. At first we only tried to catch at home and would let our bub soil herself while we were out and change her nappy after the fact. But since then I have taken her into the toilet at my Aunt's house, and made a couple of outdoors catches.

Our bub seems to be enjoying the process. Sometimes it seems as if she holds on until we have her over her bowl and then she relaxes and does her business. Before we started to practice EC she would scream her little face red while we changed her nappy, so she much prefers the catching system. She also seems less upset by the sensations of needing to wee or poo than she used to be, and we think this is because she realises that we are listening to her now, so she doesn't need to cry and thrash herself about to get our attention. Instead, she stiffens and stretches her legs and has a quiet winge, and when we hold her over her bowl she quietly eliminates, whereas she used to cry throughout. She also takes less time to relax and let herself go once we are holding her over her bowl than she used to.

We are still using cloth nappies like underwear. She wears them under her clothes and we take them off when she needs to go to the toilet. And, obviously, if we miss a catch the cloth nappies make it less of a big deal because wee or poo doesn't go everywhere, and sometimes won't soak through her clothes (and her carriers when we're wearing her). I have noticed that we are using far less nappies these days than when we started ECing. Sunday we only went through two nappies, and may I remind readers that our daughter is nine weeks old!

So, in looking back on day 19 of our EC journey I realise that it only took two weeks to find our feet with learning our baby's cues and catching her wees and poos.

From One End Of The Spectrum To The Other

Yesterday on my way to my Aunt's house I stopped by the side of the road to hold my daughter over the nature-strip and let her wee, and we had a breastfeed while we were there. Then when I got to my Aunt's house I told her that I felt I had truly earned the title "hippy" after that. We had a laugh, and my Aunt said she thought the image of me ECing and feeding by the side of the road was very "gypsy-mama". What was really interesting was that when I explained EC to my Aunt it struck a positive cord.

My Aunt felt that EC made a lot of sense because it kept the baby aware of her body in a way that she would need to be aware (or re-learn how to be aware) of it later in life. This was the major reason my partner and I decided to take up the challenge of poo and wee catching.

I suppose I'm always a little surprised when one of our "alternative" lifestyle choices (interesting how often the word "alternative" is used in lieu of the word "natural" in mainstream society, methinks) is well-received by someone who didn't make the same choice for themselves. Pleasently surprised, of course. In any case, my Aunt's interest and enthusiasm for EC lulled me into a false sense of security...

Today, after another public catch over a small garden out the front of a supermarket, I went to a maternal and child health clinic to find out about connecting with other women and babies on a regular basis. While we were in the waiting room my baby had to go, so I held her over a sink and caught a wee and a poo and gave the sink a clean when we were done. When we went in to speak to the nurse my bub sat in my lap happy as my baby and nappy free, and the nurse said to my baby "Wow, your Mum's brave!" I explained EC to her and she replied "Oh yes, I know all about Chinese parenting" (funny, coz I don't!). According to this nurse all the women in China practice EC wherever they are, though what degree of research she based that assertion on is unclear to me.

Anyway, she went on to make certain comments to me in such a way that suggested she really wanted to discourage me from continuing to EC. For example she said "learning their signals is really very hard. But I think once you learn them it goes alright". It was strange to hear because she obviously didn't realise that I am an ECer who already knows her baby's cues. But what really made me laugh on the inside was her comment about "cultural differences". She said "the only real issue with doing it here" (by which she meant "not China") "is that it is likely to offend people. I mean, you could NEVER do it by the side of the road in this country!"

:D

Natural Parenting By The Side Of The Road

The bub and I went on a big adventure today. I was starting to get new-mamma cabin fever at home with our baby all day by myself, so we went for a massive walk and a couple of train rides to get out and about. She slept most of the day in her hug-a-bub, but at one point she woke up hungry and needing to pee while we were walking to a train station. So I took her out of the wrap, sat myself down on the side of the road and breastfed and EC'd her right there in suburbia! I have never felt as hippy as I did holding my half naked baby over a strip of grass letting her wee, while one of my bare breasts hung out.

Our Little Master of Communications

I was wearing bub in a pouch yesterday and worrying that she wouldn't be able to let me know when she needed to eliminate because she's so snug (ie she couldn't push her legs out as she does). I decided to put aside my worry and if we missed a catch so be it, we were all happy having her in her pouch for the moment. Of course she had no trouble letting me know when it was time to get out of the pouch and over the catching bowl. When she couldn't kick her legs out she squirmed as much as she could and cried at me until I got the message (which wasn't very long!). I took her out of the pouch, held her over the bowl and immediately she did a wee in the bowl. Beautiful work, team.

After the catch I explained to her Dad that I had had nothing to fear, she was perfectly capable of letting me know it was time for the potty. And his response cracked me up. He said to bub:

"Nine weeks old and you're already a better communicator than your father!"

Big Catcher: EC Reality TV

It's been a lazy wee catching kind of a day at our place. I managed to catch an ECing moment on my camera phone this afternoon. Didn't film the catch itself, since my camera only films 15 seconds of footage at a time. But I did manage to film what she was doing beforehand, and then again a second after the catch so you can see how we hold her and what we've been using to catch :)

You can see in the above footage that mere seconds before she eliminates she pulls off from her feed and is very restless. She is also tensing her muscles and stretching her stiffened legs out, off camera. After she came off my breast I handed her to her Dad who had the catching bowl ready and then filmed this:

In this footage you can see her Dad holding her in the classic ECing position, which is the most supportive position for newborns. Her back and head are leaning backwards against his body, and he is nursing the weight of her body on her thighs in the palms of his hands. This position helps her work out her elimination, giving her room to stretch and kick her legs out forwards and rock the rest of her body backwards. In this footage she looks pretty chilled out because she has finished her business. Just before she eliminated she was crying, kicking, and tensing her muscles. She also had an up-chuck, so Dad caught that too LOL.

Wee & Poothropologist

For the last seventy-two hours I've been making elimination notes :) Every time our bub poos or wees I jot down what time it is and what she was doing just before she went. I decided upon this note taking approach the other day when I was feeling done about not feeling connected enough to her, and feeling like we were making very little progress in improving our communication.

It was the best idea I ever had. Within about twenty four hours I was fairly confident I recognised her elimination cues, and after forty eight hours I realised I had reached the point where I only missed catching a wee if I was asleep. And even though counting catches and misses in not the point of ECing, keeping track of them has helped me realise that we are developing well. The whole note taking experience has filled me with confidence and made ECing a lot more enjoyable.

Here are what my notes look like:

Elimination Record

April 16 Wednesday

13:50 WEE immediately after coming of the wrap after a sleep in it (about an hours sleep) (caught)

After 14:00 WEE while cuddling (missed)

Between 14:00 and 15:30 WEE while feeding (missed)

Before 15:30 POO (missed)

Before 16:30 and after 15:30 WEE while sleeping (missed)

16:30 WEE while feeding (missed)

16:45 POO while feeding frustration, crying, spurt, stopped feeding, boob still un mouth looking up at me concerned, second spurt, calm, Back to feeding, (caught)

16:53 POO was feeding, pulls off, squirming, concerned look, hold over potty third spurt (caught)

Before 18:25 WEE either while sleeping or waking. There was some squirming in her sleep (missed)

18:35 WEE fussing, winging, but her on boob, she was fine for a few minutes then upset, more fussing, offered her the potty. After a few minutes she wee’d (caught)

18:57 WEE fussing, winging, crying, put her on the boob, didn’t make her happy, she was making her body go stiff, tensing all her muscles and then she wee’d (missed)

Sometime before 20:30 and after 19:00 WEE while she was asleep. There was some fussing while she slept, searching for boob, but she always got back on the boob and fed happily so I didn’t notice when it happened (missed)

20:45 POO she was lying on me, suddenly did a wet sounding fart so I held her over the potty (caught)

between 21:15 and 22:00 WEE while in the wrap, she did squirm occasionally while sleeping in the wrap (missed)

22:01 WEE after coming out of the wrap (Dad caught)

22:54 WEE I think this one took her by surprise too, she coughed and it squirted out (missed)

Sometime between 23:00 and 23:30 WEE while she was crying (missed)

6/17 catches

11 misses

April 17 Thursday

1:39 STILL DRY. Mum went to bed too

4:something STILL DRY

7:15 WET ALREADY Woke up and she was wet, changed nappy, held her over potty, she got distressed and cried so I put another nappy on and we went back to sleep having a feed (missed)

8:20 WET ALREADY Woke up to her crying, she was hungry and very wet (missed)

8:50 WEE after squirming and falling off booba a couple of times (caught)

11:30 WET ALREADY we got up and she was wet. She had been squirming but she’d stayed asleep, or went back to sleep super fast (missed)

12:06 WEE, while we were playing, didn’t notice any cues (missed)

12:27 WEE, she had seemed tired and frustrated. Hadn’t settled into her usual calm self again after the last wee. She was showing me cues for so long that I stopped believing it was about elimination and thought she was just tired (missed)

12:30 – 13:00 WEE, while I was on the toilet and she was rocking in he bouncer. She was quiet, starting up at me (missed)

13:58 POO, after she’d woken up, caught it, offered it because she’d woken up, she seemed to be telling me something was going on, can’t remember how (caught)

14: 00 WEE, still holding her over potty, unfortunately didn’t realise she was weeing and didn’t have it lined up properly (still counts as a catch!)

14:15 WEE, she was lying down happily then winged, I thought she just wanted a cuddle and not to lie down anymore, turned out she wanted to wee (missed)

Lay her down again, kicking around, she seemed unhappy about lying down again so I picked her up (she was stiffening her legs and going bug eyed)

14:18 POO having a cuddle and she was restless, had a little wingey cry, stiffened legs, I wondered if there was more wee to come so held her over the potty (caught)

14:25 WEE We were having a lie down feed and she was coming off the breast to have a little cry, that I call a winge, I thought she was just tired, but she weed (missed)

14:35 WEE She was winging while we had a cuddle and as I was asking her what the matter was she wee’d (missed)

15:49 WEE she woke up from an hour nap, squirming, grunting a little , held her over the potty and she wee’d almost immediately (caught)

17:00 WEE, woke up happy and very relaxed, took a few minutes to wake up and then she started winging and tensing her legs (missed)

17:20 POO, had been happily feeding, getting sleepy, then she started falling off the boob and moving her legs around a lot, then she did a wet sounding fart. Held her over the potty for a few minutes and finally she pood. (caught)

Observation: common pre-elimination behaviour includes; winging, frustration, tensing muscles or “going stiff”

Before 18: 24 WEE she woke up squirming and wingy so I held over the potty (caught)

18:24 POO she hadn’t settled since her wee, squirmy, avoiding eye contact, kicking and then wingy cry so I held her over the potty (caught)

18:53 WEE tensing muscles going stiff restless then wee all over me (missed)

18:55 POO didn’t settle since the wee, more wingy crying and squirming then I heard a wet fart, held her over the potty and caught a poo (caught)

19:04 WEE. Crying, squirming I thought she was tired or hungry so I laid her down for a feed, she cried and pulled off and weed (missed)

20:43 WEE and POO, woke herself squirming so I offered her the potty (caught)

21:06 WEE didn’t settle, cried, tensed, fussed, so I held her over the potty and she weed after a few minutes (caught)

21:08 POO didn’t settle, so I kept holding her over the potty and eventually she pood (caught)

21:17 WEE still fussing, tensing, winging and then she weed on me (missed)

21:48 WEE fussing, lots of crying and helpless little quiet squeals. More crying when I offered her the potty, but she did wee (caught)

22:10 WEE she was making herself stiff and stretching and making grunting sounds. I held her over the potty expecting poo, but caught a wee instead (caught)

23:20 WEE woke up after squirming a little bit in the wrap (caught)

15/28 catches

13 misses

April 18 Friday

00:42 WEE after coming off boob, she sounded like she was grunting and panting (missed)

00:52 WEE and fart after tensing and panting (caught)

1:07 WEE, she had been crying (caught)

5:34 STILL DRY

7:20 ALREDY WET woke to squirming. Gave her a feed and she went back to sleep but it was very squirmy sleep, so I got her up and offered her the potty (missed)

7:58 POO (small) and WEE she was kicking and cried a little (caught)

8:02 WEE general uncomfortableness, kicking, dad held her over potty (Dad caught)

8:26 WEE she never really settled after the last wee. Tensing legs, making herself stiff and grumbling, offered her the potty (caught)

10:40 ALREADY WET. Woke up, she was still asleep but squirming slightly (missed)

11:35 POO. She had been tensing and farted, offered her the potty and it too quite some time but she eventually pood after a few more farts. It was only a tiny poo so I took her away from the potty for a while, she tensed some more, cried a little, so I offered it again and this time she had a proper poo (caught)

12:05 WEE. Slight squirming on the breast, and coming off (missed)

12:19 WEE. Stretching legs, slight annoyed tone to her gurgles (caught)

12:30 WEE Slight annoyance on boob, kicking legs, so I offered her the potty (caught)

14:30 POO she woke up and I offered the potty, she pood (caught)

14:33 WEE and POO she still seemed unsettled, so I kept holding her over the potty (caught)

14:50 POO tensing, stretching legs while on the boob. I took her off and offered the potty but she cried a lot, so I put her back on the boob and she was happy feeding but tensing and kicking again so I took her off again and offered her the potty, she squealed a little squeal but did do some poo once she relaxed (caught)

16:40 WEE Slight stirring in sleep, waking slightly, but wanting booba, gave her some booba, she came off, squirming slightly, offered her the potty (caught)

16:50 WEE, making herself stiff, tensing, stretching legs, offered her the potty, she cried and squirmed but did eventually wee (caught)

18:00 WEE she woke up squirmy (caught)

18:31 WEE stayed slightly squirmy and tense, so I offered the potty again (caught)

18:43 WEE going stiff crying a little (caught)

18:50 WEE making legs tense, some grunting (caught)

19:00 WEE coming off boob, crying, tensing (Dad caught)

20:15 WEE going stiff, and squirming a little bit, very quiet winging (Dad caught)

20:48 WEE kicking legs (caught)

22:15 WEE woke up, squirming and stretching and tensing legs (Dad caught)

22:50 WEE stretching, some slight crying (caught)

23:08 WEE crying, stretching legs, tensing legs (Dad caught)

23/27 catches

Only 4 misses!

April 19 Saturday

00:10 WEE tensing legs, kicking, grunting noises (Dad caught)

5:49 STILL DRY. WEE woke to her squirming offered potty (caught)

8:53 FELT DRY but I think we probably missed a wee and slept through a squirm

9:53 ALREADY WET, I think I remember dreaming about her squirming but was too tired to wake myself up. (missed)

10:10 WEE after some squirming and a fart (caught)

10:29 WEE kicking legs, grizzling and some grunting noises (caught)

13:18 WEE after she woke up she farted, she had been occasionally squirming in her sleep, and we're fairly sure we missed a wee while she was asleep (Dad caught)

15:11 ALREADY WET woke up after a big sleep (missed)

15:22 POO two spurts and a WEE, she came off the boob, hadn’t settled since waking (caught)

15:45 WEE she had been squirming, fussing at the boob and pulling off (Dad caught)

15:55 WEE kicking, still unsettled since the last wee (caught)

16:11 WEE kicking legs, slightly unsettled, but less tense than usual (missed)

16:15 WEE tensing, crying, not interested in boob so I held her over the potty (caught)

16:34 WEE lots of crying, frustration, tensing, she was in the wrap pushing her legs down, so Dad took her out and held her over the potty and bam (caught)

11/14 caught

Only 3 misses!

I am Just the Catcher, Not the Commander

For all my focus on what her elimination cues might be I have paid little attention to her daily rhythms. In using the timing method all I have really done is offered her the potty upon waking. A limited approach with limited success, and not at all about communicating or engaging in diolgue with her. It's far more like potty training, which is not at all what EC is about, where you train your child to hold it in until a convenient time and then let them release. EC is about helping her release when she wants to. I'm supposed to be responding to her! Not expecting or trying to make her go when it suits me.

In the hope of getting in touch with her natural rhythms I have been making a note of what times she eliminates as well as what she is doing at that time.

Sherplop Holmes: Being an EC Detective

We've been ECing for two weeks tomorrow, so I feel it is a good time to take a look back at previous entries to collate a list of actions our baby did before eliminating, and try to spot any patterns.

• Frustration*
• Fussiness*
• Struggling to stay on the breast*
• Avoiding eye contact
• Tensing muscles*
• Bracing feet against me and pushing herself up and away (this has stopped doing this so much in the last couple of days)
  
• Look of concentration
• Bug eyed look
• Wingey cry, cry of discomfort* rather than hunger or tiredness (not always easy to tell the difference though)
  
• Farts
  

* = also cue for vomit

I guess the hardest thing is that while all those things could be cues, she can also do them just because she's feeling a bit sad or tired or uncomfortable. Or she could just feel frustrated, fussy, or need to fart.

So how do I tell when she is doing those actions to communicate her need to eliminate? It is not elementary, dear Watson, not yet anyway.

You Can't Force Forward

I'm feeling a bit better about ECing today. Mainly because I realised how far we've come on our breastfeeding journey in a few short weeks without actively trying to push progress along. It was a pleasant surprise to one day realise it was coming naturally to both of us. I am going to trust the same will happen with ECing.

The ECing journey is definitely challenging me to develop into a more patient and trusting mother.

Feeling Bummed Out

The past couple of days have been hard. I have caught so many up-chucks and missed so many wees and a couple of poos. I've also become awesome at catching farts, for all the good that's worth! *sigh* The last 24 hours she's been very gassy, leaving little skid marks on towels and nappies, and so I take her to the potty to see if she needs to release a poo, but all that follows are a few more farts...oh and maybe another up-chuck.

I'm feeling more clueless twelve days in than I did two days in. I'm still feeling blind to her cues. I don't know whether she's become more subtle or whether I've stopped paying the same level of attention I was previously. Probably the latter. I've had a couple of tired days where I've chosen to sleep through her squirming and now I'm worried that she has taken that to mean I'm not bothering with her elimination anymore so she's given up trying to communicate.

Yesterday I missed so many wees. There was an hour and half where she wee'd every ten or so minutes! And every time I'd think "well, I missed it, won't be any more for a while" and within minutes I'd be drenched again, and think "surely no more for a while!?" and I'd be surely wrong. Again I'm not listening to her or communicating with her, I'm following my preconceived notions and trying to make her fit into that *shakes head disapprovingly* And to really help me learn this lesson she has stopped always weeing immediately after waking up, just to keep me on my toes.

I think it might be a matter of patience. I'm probably expecting far too much far too soon of both of us, and so it feels more hopeless than it actually is. The novelty has worn off, so spending minutes holding her over the potty is wearing thin with me. And I am really fed up with misreading her cues.

I'm sick of waking up too late to catch the just woken up elimination. I'm sick of not being instinctive enough to just know when it's time and instead catching up-chuck or burps or feeding her instead and getting covered in wee. I think part of the reason I'm so down about it all today is because I missed two poos yesterday and one poo on Sunday and before that I went eight days without missing a poo. Poo was my thing! LOL. The worst of it was that yesterday I was holding her, looking at her and talking to her while I missed the poo, so I don't know how I missed her cue unless she didn't give one. I don't know what's worse; missing a cue or not getting one!

Trust, trust, trust. I've got to take my own advice and trust that we will get there, and once again try to relax and be patient with myself. Right now, though, I need some reinspiration

Let Go of Expectations & Just Trust

I've been finding it hard to trust her and listen to her rather than tell her what she needs at any given time. Sometimes she stirs in her sleep and I misread it as a cue and take her to the potty only to unnecessarily wake her and upset her :( Other times I hold her over the potty for ages only to discover that she never needed to go. I still feel like I'm flying blind, but I am aware of the high standards I expect of myself with everything I try my hand at, so I am trying to chill out and remind myself that it's not about me or getting results, it's about listening to her.

With that in mind, yesterday I was holding a sleepy baby who slowly began to wake and decided to leave her be and probably miss a wee, but eventually she became wide awake with a look of concentration and I said to her Dad "looks like the face of someone who's considering eliminating" so I held her over the potty and almost immediately she wee'd into it.

Not long after I noticed her squirming with frustration so I offered her the potty again and she did a poo immediately. Earlier I said that I found it hard to differentiate between her different motivations behind restlessness, but I think I'm starting to get it now. When it's about poo or wee she is not just squirming or kicking, it's sort of forced, and there is tension in her movements, she seems frustrated. Still not 100% sure, but I will keep my eye on this. And on a wee that I missed I realised afterwards that I had been trying to make eye contact with her but she had been avoiding it, so that could be a sign wee is to come.

The cool milestone for the day though, was that I caught a wee in front of some friends who came to meet our baby today :) And they didn't think we were hippy freaks at all, they thought it made good sense.

Yesterday's stats: 8 wee's and 1 poo. Sadly, yesterday I missed her second poo - the first poo miss in eight days!

Dada Read Her Cues!

On Friday I caught 2 big poos and 3 wees and when Dada got home he caught a poo after they were having a cuddle and she farted. He said he was wondering if she needed to go to the toilet because she was squirming around a lot and then when she farted he was sure. Yey for Dada getting it!

She had such a big poo that Huz said he didn't know if it would ever be safe to stop holding her over the potty. But she let us know when she'd had enough potty time by tensing her muscles, kicking and beginning to cry.

During the day she was lying on the bed happily kicking around, then she started to look concerned and whimper, I usually think this means she's had enough of kicking around and wants to be picked up for a cuddle but I discovered that this time it meant I'm going to pee (on you LOL).

Yesterday I caught three wee's, a poo, Dad caught a couple of wee's but missed a poo while she was in the ergo.

I also took her away from the potty because she was starting to cry and got her wee right down my leg and onto the kitchen floor. But I didn't even blink at it! Last week I would have been squealing, but I just said "sssss, wees" and got wet :D Happened on lino, so I was pretty happy about that!

Today I've caught two wee's and she hasn't poo'd yet...

"But WHY?!"

I told Huz's work colleagues about elimination communication the other day and when they asked me why we do it I couldn't really put it into words effectively on the spot. I ended up talking about toilet training and children having to re-learn their elimination rhythms and sensations and general awareness as toddlers because being in nappies has disconnected them from themselves. I made it sound like we're ECing because we want to make toilet training easier on ourselves in the future *shakes head* So not the reason!

In the hope of better answering that question in the future, here is our list of reasons why we EC:

• Empathy. If it were me dependent on someone else for all my needs, including elimination needs, I would prefer not to be left to sit in my drying urine and feces!

• Communication. This is paramount to decent relationships. ECing strengthens communication between parent and child, with the short term benefit of decreasing washing and the long term goal of fostering a good bond between you.
  

• Attachment. Flowing directly from communication, ECing is another way (in addition to babywearing, co-sleeping, breastfeeding, homebirth etc.) of being connected to your child. And that connection helps you to better know, understand, and respond to your child.
  

• Honouring Instincts. Babies are born in tune with their bodies. They instinctively know when they are hungry and they instinctively know when they need to eliminate. Why disconnect a person from their instincts when you can honour those instincts?

• Environmentally Friendly. Every catch equals one less dirty nappy, which means less washing, which means less water use, less electricity use. Or in the case of disposables less disposables means less land fill, less support to their production and packaging.

• Because We Can! Seriously, if you know you have the power to make life a little more hygienic for your child, which will strengthen your ability to communicate with each other pre-verbally, improve your attachment to each other, honour your child's instincts, make the transition from dependent toileting to independent toileting a little smoother, and save you money and washing in the long run, why not give it a go?
  

Communication Is The Only Goal That Matters

I think I've fallen into the trap of getting too caught up in results. Results are secondary in this process to strengthening communication. And when I focus on results I actually jeopordise the communication. For example, when she wakes up I put her on the potty as quick as possible, and quite often she doesn't want to go just because she's woken up. Sometimes she needs more time to wake up, or she needs a feed first, but I'm so focused on making a catch that I ignore her body language and sounds :(

It's about knowing my baby better and it really works! In one week I've learned that my baby doesn't slip off the breast because she's having trouble feeding or she's fussing for no reason, she's taking herself off because she feels herself needing to wee or poo (or vomit).

Woops. Wrong End!

Home again today, but we've both been catching up on sleep. I was so exhausted after little sleep on Wed night and a big adventure all day Thurs that I chose to sleep rather than get up and EC when I felt her squirm this morning.

In the last 24 hours I haven't caught a wee, but I've caught quite a few big vomits LOL Yep, lots of mistaking up-chuck cues for elimination cues.

The bub is being tricksy, lots of farts but no poo to follow. So there's been quite a lot of unnecessary holding her over the potty today. I did manage to catch one biiiig poo, no fart cue, just some squirming as we played on the bed together. She was engaged in my singing and then she wasn't, so I held her over the potty. It took some time but then a massive two spurts of poo exploded. I felt sorry for her, there were some big chunks in there that can't have been fun for her little body...wonder if it was something I ate?

A Catching Lull

It's been a week already! Day 7 was a big day for bub and I. We went into the city to visit Dada at work for the first time, a big trip, and a long day, coz we decided to stay at the office and come home at night with him. The big adventure threw us off our ECing game.

She was stressed out by ECing at Dad's office. New surroundings, she couldn't relax, which is fair enough.

I did catch one wee early in the morning. And she didn't end up pooing at all.

Don't Kick Your Catches Over The Carpet!

Yesterday I went on to catch quite a few more wees, and when my partner got home he caught one too.

This morning she didnt have poo to catch, and as usual I woke up after she'd wee'd. She ended up pooing twice in the afternoon and I caught both in the potty.

The wee we've caught has all been caught after a sleep.

First one happened after some fussing during a feed, she had been grunting and pulling her knees up, then she came off, so I held her over the potty and it wasnt long before the spurt. Then she went back to feeding for a little while and she becomes restless again and I think it might be wee so I offer her the potty again and she farts, so I know a poo is coming, sure enough we catch the second poo.

We have a cuddle for a while, another short feed and some more of a cuddle, and she begins to squirm and throw her arms around jerkily and I mistake her jerky arm movements as a feeding cue and offer her the boob again and I get wee'd on.

I wonder if ECing with a boy is harder? I imagine it would be because of how far they can fire their wee away from themselves...when we miss my baby's wee it soaks into the towel she's on and sometimes down her back, not hard to clean up at all. What was hard to clean up was the potty full of bright orange runny breastfed baby poo I accidentally kicked onto the lounge room carpet!

I realise that I now run the risk of reading all her movements as elimination cues, as I once read them all as feeding cues. I really want to be able to discern between her various types of restlessness, but so far they all look the same...

Getting Familiar With Her Poo Cues

By 9:30 this morning I had caught two poos and one wee! Today was the third day in a row that I caught a poo at around 6:30am. Again she was squirming, slowly waking up, bracing her feet against me and pushing herself upward from her feet. Didn't have to wait long for her to go once I held her over the potty and cued. She had already wee'd in her nappy.

Woke up again just after 9 to her squirming and waking again, this time she also farted, so I had a feeling more poo was coming. I was right, and she had a wee.

Her poo signals are clearer to me than her wee signals. I often think she's going to wee when she's not, she's just restless.

Caught 2 more wee's in the afternoon.

Have mainly stuck to the timing method of holding her over the potty and cueing after she's woken up.

Go Gently

Read a great article that couldn't have found me at a better time. I'm feeling worn down today and have only caught one poo and two wees and feeling a little bit down about the whole process. And then read this:

Regularly, I receive enthusiastic emails from parents just discovering Natural Infant Hygiene. For example, a mother may read something I've written on the Internet. Something "clicks" with her, and she writes me, interested and excited. On the first day, she has observed her infant's elimination rhythms, and already sees a signal and catches a pee! She is amazed, convinced and elated.

Then, three or four days later, she contacts me again, feeling defeated. She has missed several pees in the last few days. She is not sure she can do this, and wonders if she's bonded enough with her baby, or whether this can even work in our society. She is using diapers part-time and worries this will harm her baby and the process. Should she quit?

I am always both saddened and surprised by how many mothers think they should "get it" the very first day or week they practice Natural Infant Hygiene. Some moms do, of course. But it's rare. For most, the process is gradual and takes several weeks, or even months, similar to developing a comfortable and secure breastfeeding relationship. Some mothers also need time to learn how to use a sling in ways which baby appreciates, or how to get a good night's sleep with a little body snuggled close...

The temptation can be great to perceive in these responsive parenting practices yet another opportunity for parental stress and guilt, another place to fall short of the mark. We certainly don't need another one of those! It is important that we learn to be very gentle with ourselves as parents, as gentle as we wish to be with our babies. In the strength of this gentleness and acceptance, we can strive forward to debunk the myths and half-truths and rediscover our instinctive resources for parenting...

Remember: You do not have to be totally tuned into your baby to begin parenting responsively. You only need to be open and willing to learn. As homeschooling advocate John Holt pointed out, "We learn to do something by doing it. There is no other way".

Communication and confidence develops as an inevitable consequence of the practice of responsive parenting, rather than being a prerequisite condition. You don't need expertise to begin, just a clear and gentle willingness to try. From Being Gentle with Ourselves While Learning Natural Parenting

On top of me feeling run down, I think our baby's going through a big development stage because I've noticed her being a bit more interactive lately, she's started crying a new sounding cry, like a little high pitched squeal. And she was rather fussy, lots of unexplainable crying today :( So I've lowered my expectations for our ECing progress for now and am very pleased with our three catches for the day.

100% Poo Catching Rate Today

Couldn't do much today because we had an old friend's birthday party to go to over the other side of the city. Didn't catch any wee, but caught two poos in the morning before we left, while I was still half asleep at that! Timing method.

Got home and fed her nappy free, she started squirming, bracing her feet against me and pushing herself by her feet, then she farted, all possible poo cues. Got the potty and caught a third poo! That's 100% poo catch rate today!

We plan to give her nappy free time til we go to bed, see if we can catch some wee.

Those Magical First Catches!

In the morning I wake up to a hungry squirming baby. I get up and reach for the potty which is next to the bed for convenience. I pull off her nappy to discover she has had a wee while I was still asleep, but see if she has more to do. I hold her thighs in my hands, her back and head leaning back against my chest and stomach as I sit on our bed. Nothing. She's finished her morning wee already and she is not happy about being held like this while she's hungry for booba!

We lie back down together and she feasts on me as we both drift back to sleep. Later in the morning I wake again to exactly the same situation, try again with the exact same outcome. This time we decide to start our day and get up out of bed.

Again we leave her nappy free for most of the day. When she naps in her hug-a-bub and ergo with her mum and dad we put a nappy on her.

After her nap in the ergo with her Dad I hold her over the potty again. Her nappy is dry so I'm confident she needs to wee, but I'm worried that she's stressed out by this new strange practice, she's certainly not keen on being held in the EC position. As I hold her I'm saying "Wee sssss", and to my surprise I hear drops hitting the bottom of the potty! Our first catch! It is thrilling!

Having made a catch I become more enthusiastic about the process, this ECing is fun! She then went back to a feed and a little while later I noticed a small orange stain on the towel beneath her - the famed colour of breastfed baby poo, I guess it came out with a silent fart? Anyway, I held her over the potty again, and this time I say "pooze" and make a fart sound with my lips and tounge, more commonly known as "blowing a raspberry" two or three times. And BANG! The big poo comes and I catch it!

I have a few more misses and realise that my reaction to her misses is detrimental to the process. I have a mini panic about the mess and usually say something stressful like "Oh! Oh! Oh!" It's just healthy baby poo and wee! Their wee is basically water! I don't want her associating her non-nappy elimination as something that causes drama. I challenge myself to chill out about the misses.

From now on if I notice her starting to wee or poo and the potty is not near I let her do it where she is and I calmly make "ssss" sounds or blow raspberries as she releases. I make sure to make eye contact with her as she does it and to smile.

Later in the day she has a sleep in the hug-a-bub on me, and after a couple of hours she starts to get restless, so I take her out of the wrap and she wakes. I offer her the potty but she is not interested, she is in the process of waking up and she's HUNGRY! I realise I've got to get my priorities straight. When she wakes up and makes those desperate hungry cries I should feed her rather than trying to get her to wee first.

She latches onto my breast and I put the potty between my legs beneath her. She has a fast and furious feed and then she starts to slow down, still attached, still all about the boob, but she has a poo. I had forgotten about poo, I'd been all about the "ssss" when I'd offered her the potty before. The potty is in perfect position and catches the poo while I'm still feeding her. This time her poo was just one spurt. When she comes off the boob I hold her over the potty again but she doesn't do anything.

Not long after that she's feeding again and she pees on me. I'm wondering about timing between poo and wee, and how I always wee when I go to the toilet for poo, is it similiar for her? Can I expect a wee not long after pooze? And what do I do if that is the case? It's too long between the poo and wee to keep holding her over the potty.

Later on we are lying in bed together and she's feeding. Sometimes she pulls off for no apparent reason, and until we started ECing I thought she was just struggling to attach or getting ready to vomit. She pulls off another time and when she's back on feeding she wees on the bed. This isn't unusual, most of the time when she pees on me without warning she is feeding, her Dad suggests it's because she is relaxed while feeding.

She has a sleep in the hug-a-bub on her Dad for an hour and then starts to squirm. I suggest he take her out of the wrap and try ECing for himself. He holds her over the potty and makes the wee sound, it feels like a long time that he is holding her over the potty and his legs are getting sore from squatting behind the potty on the floor, a feeling I know well by now. But she does end up weeing into the potty! Dad gets his first catch!

It's time for another feed. After the feed she lies in my arms and has a squirm and then she poos. I blow a few raspberries, lift her slightly so she doesn't get the poo on herself. I sense there's more to come so I keep doing this and sure enough she has another poo and she wees with it so I say "ssss" as well.

The night is young but we have had 5 catches and countless misses. But on the wise advice of the tribal baby website we are only counting the catches :)

Baby's Say More Than Just "Feed Me!"? No Way!

I noticed during the day that our baby was starting to get nappy rash, which made me sad, and made me think about how unfair it is - she haaaates nappy changes, and they go for much longer when we need to coat her bum with soothing cream. Breastfeeding is going well, we have nowhere to go today, so it feels like the perfect time to start ECing.

I put myself on high alert. I want to recognise her elimination cues and get her to the potty before she goes. I'm feeling like she doesn't have cues, or at least I am very blind to them. She pees on me what seems like without warning!

The process is starting to make me feel like I don't know my baby at all :( I'm discovering that I mistake every little sound, movement and facial expression she does as a cry for booba. She's seven weeks old and I've only just worked out her cue for "I'm going to vomit!", for the first six weeks I'd be trying to shove a breast in her mouth as she fought to get it away so she could get her up-chuck out! I'm realising that learning to communicate about elimination is going to strengthen my connection to my baby no-end. It really is going to tune me into her and make me follow her lead rather than decide for myself what she needs and try to make her comply, like I had been doing with breastfeeding *blush*

Before going to bed I jump online to do some more reading and read the tribalbaby site which suggests starting off slow using the timing method, and learn babe's cues from that. What a great idea! That's what I'll do tomorrow.

At the end of day 1 we have no catches and too many misses to count!

Quotes That Explain EC

Rather than teaching a baby to eliminate into his or her intimate clothing and cleaning up after the fact, parents learn to listen and respond in the present moment to the baby's needs and communication. From Diaper Free!

Infants are aware of elimination from birth–just observe their movements, facial expressions, and vocalizations when pooing–and often cry or give other signals to be changed. But we don't watch and listen. What if we were to do so? I have found that if we respond positively and proactively, babies will experiment, practice and learn in this regard, just as they do with other milestones such as crawling and walking.

You start by briefly whispering a watery sound such as "sssss," "pssss" or "tssss" in your baby's ear at potty time to help the child learn to associate this sound with releasing the sphincter muscles. If it's (nearly) time to go, infants can release on cue. From Potty Whisperer


This helps to establish a communication link the baby gives a sign or signal and is held out in a similar position, with the same sounds. Very quickly the baby begins to learn, and may exaggerate those signs, or may cry when he/she needs to eliminate. Likewise, the carers become more and more confident at reading those signs and responding in time to ‘catch’ the elimination. The baby learns to relax their sphincter muscles on cue, thus gaining an awareness of where the muscles are and what purpose they have, as well as an awareness of control.

As the practise progresses and the communication deepens, the carers intuition may also come into play. We can come to intuitively ‘know’ when our baby needs to eliminate and can respond accordingly. This adds a deeply satisfying element to our relationship with our babies and reminds us of the incredible energetic exchange that is taking place between carer and babe. From The Potty Shop

Natural Infant Hygiene has been described as an art, as it is a subtle dance between baby and parent. It involves constantly learning together and responding to nuances in behaviour and reinforcing them to foster stronger non-verbal communication.

The timing catches are easy to get, are regular times, such as when he wakes up and after feeds or at nappy changes.

The cue is the "sss psss" sound that lets him know when to go. The position is also a cue, as is running water. Exhaling onto his head was a cue that developed later.

The signs are the largely involuntary expressions, movements and sounds he’d regularly make when he needed to go. The uncomfortably full bladder would initially prompt these signs. Later they would become signals.

The signals come later when the baby can indicate with a voluntary action that he needs to go, such as moving towards the toilet place, using sign language, and later, speech. Even at three months he occasionally signalled a need to go by looking at the bowl. From six months several times a day he'd crawl over to the pee-bowl to signal his needs. From 12 months he regularly used vocal signals.

Intuition is when you get the feeling baby needs to go, and they do! Slow for me to respond to well, comes with experience as a combination of timing and subconscious awareness of subtle behaviours I think! I call it the "Baby Radar" or say "My Potty Sense is Tingling" when I feel he needs to go. From Tribal Baby

Perfection is not the aim – communication is...
It was empowering for my confidence, knowing one more way to respond to and HELP my baby. Saving nappies is secondary to this wonderful benefit - communicating with my baby...
Just as weaning is not the aim of breastfeeding, it is the bonding, nurturing, nutrition, and protection it confers - with EC, the aim is to care for baby’s hygiene needs in the present moment – ‘now’, rather than later when it is perhaps more convenient to me...
Toilet independence is merely the result of a natural process of development and practise from birth, just as weaning is the natural result of a breastfeeding relationship. The baby does not require ‘toilet training’ as their natural awareness in nurtured through infancy and beyond. All babies have the instincts that my baby has. We can practise and encourage this awareness, ‘tuning in’ to these instincts during their early months before they fade and baby ‘learns’ to go only into their nappy by five to six months. From Tribal Baby

The Potty Whisperer No-Nos:

no punishment
no pressure
no coercion
no shaming
no competition
no showing off
no obsessing
no perfectionism
no rushing toilet learning
no attachment to time goals
no negativity

From The Potty Whisperer

Pre-poo-escent Thoughts

We've wanted to practice elimination communication since our baby was born, but we were preoccupied and a little overwhelmed by all the new things we had to learn with a new baby, so we decide to leave it for the first few weeks and settle into parenthood first. The first week involves some breastfeeding dramas so we set the time to start ECing for when our breastfeeding relationship is hassle free.

So what is it? Click Here For The Scoop

When I first heard about ECing it really spoke to me because I kept thinking about how I might feel as a baby in a nappy - ick! And it made sense to me because I always know when I need to go to the toilet, so of course a baby would (probably moreso because all the sensations are so new and big to their fresh little bodies). Reading about it also reminded me of hanging out with my sister and baby niece and how my sister always knew when her daughter was pooing because of the face she pulled during.

So here is our ECing diary....